There’s a topic that KEEPS coming up in my life recently, and it makes me sort of resentful and angry- which is really ironic once I let you know what it is- and makes me think that maybe there’s a reason God keeps putting it in front of me.
I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but I’ve found that when I’m walking with my Higher Power, He leads and guides my sometimes painful growing process. Sometimes, I wish He would just give me a step by step guide, or just POOF! Give me the gift of self-discipline or perseverance. But it’s never ever worked out that way for me.
My God knows me. I’m an experiential learner. To really understand what dirt tastes like, I’ve had to land face first in it and just eat it- if you get what I’m saying.
No, I’ve never learned things the easy way. No Pinterest quote or inspiring pep talk has ever had the power to really change me. I had to learn things the hard way, the real way- by living it out.
So, I don’t know why it would be any different now.
But I really wish this wasn’t the case. Because the topic God is putting in front of me recently is this: Forgiveness.
Today, forgiveness hasn’t gotten easier, but my reasons for forgiving have gotten clearer.
And it’s not because I reached a place of enlightenment because of my wealth of spiritual guruness- that sentence should’ve proved it right there.
No, it’s because it was my only real choice if I wanted to be free.
With the big hurts in my life, I had two options: live in the enslavement, or forgive and be free.
This isn’t as easy a choice as it might seem. If you’ve ever had someone inflict a wound so deep, wheter that be from abuse, assault, bullying, all of the above- then you’ll know what I mean when I say forgiveness is the scary choice. Forgiveness means getting up, moving on, and taking responsibility for my own healing.
Forgiveness is when I, the victim, say “no” to being the victim to the restof my life.
And that’s scary. At least, it was scary for me.
I wish I could tell you that it’s gotten easier. But forgiveness is still frightening. Today, the hurts aren’t as big, but to a sensitive soul, so many hurts still feel bigger than average.
And this is something that’s happened recently. I have a situation on my hands where someone I looked up to was not treating me well. Yep, I still live in the real world with real people who are broken, just like me, and sometimes we take that brokenness out on people close to us. I’m guilty of it, and so are you, and so is this person.
But okay- I totally handled this situation I just described in the wrong way.
This is what I did. I described the situation to my “yes” people. Do you have those?
The people that are on your side to a fault? They mean well, but they rarely, if ever, disagree with you. There’s no accountability there, and you know it and you like it.
For me, I know exactly who they are, and I ran straight into their pittying and agreeable arms.
Note to self- don’t do that again. Why? Because at first it felt great, until ever other transgression against me from this person started to fester and grow and I got more and more resentful.
So, long story short, a few weeks ago when I was alone with my God, I brought it to Him. I realized how enslaved I was by this anger and I absolutely hated it. I asked Him to help me get out of the situation and He did, but we had to go deeper than that, because the hurt and the anger was deep, and today I am interested in recovery from anything that threatens to defeat me.
And you know what? A relationship with a Higher Power that forgives me over and over is a great place to start.
He reminded me, and reminds me right now as I sit and write this, that He forgives me. Over and over and over. And it’s not just that guys-
He knew everything that I would ever do to hurt Him, and He knows everything that I will ever do to hurt Him, and He still forgives me.He still invests in this relationship with an imperfect girl who turned her back on Him and who will hurt Him in the future. He’s still here.
I’ve had people who have forgiven me for incredible hurts that I’ve done to them. I’ve never forgotten the moments when people asked me for forgiveness (which doesn’t always happen, but it’s amazing when it does) and I’ve been able to truly forgive them and move forward. I can still remember the feeling of that weight being lifted off my shoulders as I sit and say this to you.
Forgiveness accomplished a miracle that nothing else could.
I am not God. I do not try and save to people who hurt me over and over again because I am not the healer they need. I have left abusive relationships and I live in the truth of my own worth. But I’m also not going to listen to the voices that justify my staying angry and living in my wounds.
I will not buy into the lie that tells me to “prove them wrong!” or “let my anger fuel my motivation!”
Forgiveness is the quiet strength that says “I can forgive you, because I have been forgiven. The same God that is leading me, is leading you.”
In the words of C.S. Lewis “To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”
I’ve been on the giving and receiving end of forgiveness. I know the freeing power that forgiveness has. It is incredibly liberating. I cannot change the past, and I cannot change the person who has hurt me, BUT I can change how I hold onto both of those.
When I forgive, I am closer to my God’s merciful heart, and I understand it just a bit better. When I forgive, I grasp just how wide and how deep God’s mercy is for me.
And I choose Him, everytime.
So, Recover Girl, do this with me. Today, I surrender my hurts to a God who can help me to forgive, because He has forgiven me. What are some people and past hurts that we can let go of? Who can we go to, not our “yes” people, that can help us to truly forgive and to heal.
I’m with you, this is tough, but today I am going to say, “(Person who shall remain nameless because this is a podcast), I forgive you.”
Ahhh… I think I needed this post more than you.